A Wander's Thoughts

2 Words for the Day

2008-09-05T11:59:00.001-04:00

idée fixe • \ee-day-FEEKS\ • noun
: an idea that dominates one's mind especially for a prolonged period

haptic • \HAP-tik\ • adjective
1 : relating to or based on the sense of touch
2 : characterized by a predilection for the sense of touch

My Story???

2008-08-26T10:08:00.001-04:00

Someone recently asked me what my story was. I responded that I did not have a story, which I followed with my name is Cristina, I am an accountant by day but would love to just be a bartender (being the goofball I am more than not).

I have thought about that question for several days now, "What is your story?", what is my story.

I am just a person in a sea of people just trying to make my way. I am not sure what my way is, but know that I am moving in the right direction. I have achieved a milestone this year, finally graduating with my BS. I am a mover, I am not sure I want to settle down right now and that is not to speak of relationships. I feel the need for contant motion; I think I now understand why Anne was that way until Laura. I know I need to stop this cycle of motion, but if I do…

What is my story? Everone has a story I have been told.

Closing Time

2008-07-07T14:53:00.001-04:00

"Well, it was a sad weekend for the owners of Oliver Campbells Bar in Middletown, CT. Tracy and Bill Campbell were two of the best bar owners I have worked for- and are completely SALT OF THE EARTH people. It was a tearful and sad goodbye for these owners who had to deal with more BS in the two years that they had this bar then most owners of any company deal with in a lifetime."

"Cristina...I will miss our Coyote Ugly Nights and dancing on the bar on Saturday night was the height of absolute craziness....
No more hip hop peeps slamming down drinks, pounding on the bar, slapping my arms, yelling at bartenders, and the list goes on and on ... too many stories to tell in one email ..." ---> Ditto Sarah

"It sure was an entertaining evening! Cristina, thanks for watching my back with the guy who politely asked, "Sarah, what is your drug of choice?" ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Whatever! If I learned anything, it is that the less clothing, the more tips! And that guys always notice when you get your hair done ....
Right, Cristina? Hey, if my genetics can improve my financial future, then why not do it up!!! LOL!" Sarah - I cannot believe the same "drug of choice" dude said he wanted to hit my apple bottom. Yah and Friday night w/ Digital 12 Entertainment guy trying to get up in my stuff when we were Coyote Ugly - if he only knew.

"Anyhow, Bill and Tracy Campbell really had an affect on us...so much so that they want Cristina and I to move to Arizona with them....so, the contemplating begins right now .....
I love bartending and if I could do that for my full time job, I probably would. It was a tearful goodbye as we have all bonded like a family and have endured some really tough nights together...much of which cannot be explained unless you were there. Saturday night was surreal .... everything that could have gone bad went bad and if any of you have ever seen me mad, kick it up 10 notches (and then the "Bearded Wonder" pisses me off which if you know me, you know that it takes a LOT to piss me off like that - I could have taken him, at least I was mad enough that I thought I could have) because of the "Bearded Wonder...." (That is Bill's name for him at least!)."

"One last call for alcohol
So finish your whiskey or beer
...
You don't have to go home
But you can't stay here
...
So gather up your jackets
Move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend"

I have found new friends in this experience with Tracy & Bill and "the crew" - gotta love me some Mary and thank Bill and Tracy for this wonderful experience and opportunity. I love you guys.

The Smudgen One

2008-07-03T11:14:00.001-04:00

I just love this little Smudgen.
The future of the WNBA!!

Be Still

2008-06-29T23:45:00.002-04:00

Here is the task I present to anyone who reads this blog:

Close your eyes and try to imagine you have never seen color before. Touch an object to you, really touch it. Try to label the color without discrimination or without the gift of knowing what we "label" it to be.

Tonight I lay in the back yard shoeless (go figure) and closed my eyes cuz there were no stars to wonder in and tried to imagine if I were to describr green to someone who never saw green, how would I do it.

The only way I could do it is to say green in delicately full of life, soft with thin edges sharp and wet.

It seemed so inadequate a definition in my own thought so I thought I would put it out here in the "blogosphere" to see if anyone could choose a color and describe to me how they see any color.

happy imaginations and cannot wait to hear/read your interpretations of your color(s).

Tis the Season

2008-03-18T20:43:00.003-04:00

Tax time makes Cristina a dull girl. I am too social, derrrrniT, I NEEEEED my girlie(s) time!!! It is 8:45 and I am still in the office - I want a martini. Let's see, start w/ V-1 (4oz), Midori (1oz), Chambord (1/2oz ), and float 1/4 to 1/2oz Jaeger on top depending on your liking. There you go, ya got an crocodile bite/alligators kiss (it's been called both - either way, it's what I want NOW!!!)!!!

What's Going on?!

2008-02-19T10:36:00.010-05:00

i have not blogged in a bit and i apologize. it is that time of year again when i struggle with myself about what i want to do ~ tax accounting surely is not my calling, but it pays the bills. i also for some reason decided to take additional classes even though i met all my graduation requirements in december of 2007. with work and school (and the girl child w/baby) keeping me busy one would think cristina is a dull girl, uh not.

i have recently discovered that insomnia can be a beautiful thing. there is this whole world out there for me to play in and dernnit, i intend to play as hard as i work ~ maybe ~ probably even harder. i have been on a self imposed isolation for almost 2 years now with the exception of being with my friends and have made it my intention to break out of this isolation in 2008. look out!!!

i have been watching the farmington river rise lately with all this rain we've been getting and wishing i had a wet suit or it were summer, kayaking on it would be great on it right now. especially tonight with the lunar eclipse ~ pout pout ~ sniff~ sniff.

SHAMELESS Music Plug

2008-02-12T18:06:00.000-05:00

http://www.hannahsgroove.com/

Gypsy Girl
One Spirit Body Mind

www.cdbaby.com (listen & buy her music here)

2008-01-29T10:16:00.000-05:00

Don't step on my shadow's heart, it might break.

Random observations

2008-01-16T08:45:00.000-05:00

Recognized and acknowledging a familiar yet unknown face.

She signs, No!, and like a willful child her passenger climbs out of the car intent on being the hero tries to get the car out of the snow bank with no success. Sits back in the car and dials her cell phone.

Penciled eyebrows and embroidered jeans thinning hair pulled back, not to harsh, mid 50ish, skin just beginning to show signs of her youth escaping her watching curiously another passenger.

He gets on the bus every morning clutching to his chest a backpack. He holds it so tight as if it contains all of his most valuable worldly possessions. Slides his bus pass and walks to the back of the bus - always the back. I wonder does he observe as I do. We exit at the same stop, he follows me - my steps brisk taking me to my destination, work. He stands in the lower lobby of the building in the opposite corner the farthest from where we enter the building. There is a heater there and he still clutches his bag. I wonder what he holds so close. What earthly possession can one hold onto with such care and protection? If it were me, it would be words. Words you say and ask yourself as you read this blog? I fear they would escape me and be found, judged or ridiculed and worse that all the the aforementioned , Lost. This is why I take on this scary task of sharing my words with whoever chooses to read. My words may seem meaningless but are important as the observations I am consciously taking. What a beautiful journey - what am I creating? I cannot wait to see so I can share it with you.

She speaks and has a casual yet rapt audience. The young girl with dulled blue eyes watches the dialogue among the three without hearing or maybe she does. There is music or story in her ears. I notice her hands, she has a writers callous on the first knuckle of her middle finger is she a student? I also notice that her hands are not what you would expect when you look at her. Her fingers are narrow, almost delicate but not.

Again, to be continued.....(I wonder if anyone realizes that I am just a casual observer of this thing called life and how suddenly I rummage for my pad and pen or just flipping my phone open and appear to be texting when I am actually typing what I see).

Longing for my favorite season - unedited

2008-01-06T11:28:00.000-05:00

Moon~waves of clouds floating, amber circles the white light. The taste of autumn , senses awakened. The breeze in my face, the rustling of the leaves, the brilliant explosion of color against the sky of the rising moon splashed across the horizon, finger paints texture feel the leaves crumple under my touch taste their smell. Watch touch taste their smell. The color fades and flies only for a season and a sea of green and yellow will be reborn but for now my favorite time is here in my mind. It swims in this season of sensual overload. The breeze causes the leaves to dance a little louder than any other season; it causes the scent of the tilled earth to float through the air - remnant's of the harvest returned to the earth to where it all sprang from. I smile at the beauty of it all, how memory serves my desires. I can still feel the colors: yellow, still soft and with life, red to orange, a little more course but fragrant until they lose their life and crumble returning again. It is warm, the sky is awash with stars reflecting like moonlight in an ocean gently pushed by the autumn breeze. Can you feel this too? Can you see it? Do you look up at the sky and wonder in the amazement of a child even though your childhood is well behind you. What if you could reach up and touch those stars, gently stirring and watch them whirl like the clouds float though the day unguided. Innocence, purity, unedited, unscripted, free flowing. What do you see, where does your imagination take you, what do you feel. Whole, alive, refreshed, truth if truth can be felt - beautiful.

A New Year

2007-12-27T12:51:00.000-05:00

"but i fear i have nothing to give i have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in your embrace there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear i have nothing to give"

Sara McLachlan ~ Fear

This leads me to the New Year. I am the one who usually says: "No, I am not or have not made any resolutions." Going into 2008, I have made a resolution. I am letting go of a fear that resides deep inside of me. This is a giant leap of faith, for me that speaks volumes since I do not prescribe to faith.

Trust is something I lost a very long time ago. I have begun to realize that at some point I need to allow myself to trust, so why not begin the day after my 20/20 year. Let me begin with trusting myself, trusting and allowing my feelings freely.

I allow a sly little smile to creep up one side of my mouth thinking, I should put a yeah right at the end of the paragraph before this.

Yeah right, I don't want to anymore, she says smiling to herself knowing that she will occasionally slip on this point, but convinced that this is the right direction and she will succeed.

Smudge

2007-12-03T20:05:00.000-05:00

Look at her fingers - she's gonna be a rockstar.

So tonight I am reminded why I do not want kids of my own especially now that mine are 18 & 19. Poor Smudgie just could not "settle down." She kept spitting out her binky and scream - man that girl has some lungs on her. I tell ya, patience is not my best quality and I had to practice it tonight and the girl child was only gone about 1/2 hour. It is difficult to try to figure out what's the conflict in your world little eggplant. I finally got the plug in her mouth and she kept it there, I put her in her stroller which is now a fixture in my dining room and pushed it back and forth - she fell asleep just in time for her mother to get home. That is my luck - someone find me a binky and soak it in Patron.

LOOK OUT!!!

2007-11-30T19:00:00.000-05:00

I'm in a mood and I have a bottle of wine, it's Friday night, I am home alone well not so much - the girl child has a man friend over so I am holed up in my bedroom with this laptop, my bottle of wine and sappy/sad movies. I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do. Not a bad whine for not even having a sip of my wine yet.

Nothing but words

2007-11-24T13:33:00.000-05:00

breathing crisp autum air longing solitude serenity floating swirling running hiding inhale exhale memories ripple across lives remember let go reflect receive move forward rain washing cleansing chasing fear

Tag - Did I do this right?

2007-11-20T16:08:00.000-05:00

This is my first tag here in Blogosphere - tag u r it to anyone who is interested. This is a little long so feel free to edit and answer as you like.

Two names you go by (besides your given name):
1. Cristina
2. Sweetie (shhh don't tell anyone - I'm supposed to be a tough chick)

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Socks
2. Shoes

Two longest car rides:
1. Drive to North Cakalaka (NC)
2. Drive to Florida - remind me not to do that again <---Ditto CJ

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Float in my kayak w/a water bottle of wine
2. Walk in the woods

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. I can't say the first (if I tell I'm afraid it won't come true)
2. A martini (I have not had one since 11/4)

Three animals you have or have had:
1. Horse
2. Rabbits
3. Chickens

Three people who will (hopefully) fill this out:
1.
2.
3.

Three Things you ate today:
1. Toast
2. BLT
3. Nada

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Interview at a bar - so I can be the philosophizing bartender I was meant to be
2. Work

Two favorite holidays:
1. Don't have 1 (I know I am a bagh humbugh)
2. Don't have 2 (Really I am - I don't even want to put up an xmas tree - gimmee a reason)

Two favorite beverages:
1. Sam Adams (Seasonal most of the time)
2. Martini (Buddha's Little Helper @ Tisane)

Tag! You're it! Your turn!

Reflections

2007-10-21T22:36:00.000-04:00

This day was one of those days that I was able to just lose myself in the beauty in this world. This picture was taken with my cell phone. Imagine my surprise when I looked at this picture and saw the reflection of the cloudless day on the Farmington River.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

2007-10-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

It is raining here today. I had an errand to run over lunch, which I originally left on begrudgingly.

On my way back to the office I walked by a pile of sand on the church lawn (let me just say Blue Back Square) and with the rain hitting the pavement I was suddenly swirling in my own mind or maybe it is that I wish I had a chance to get to an unadulterated ocean beach this year. My senses told me I was there. For October, it is still warm enough to take my shoes and socks off and enjoy the feel of the sand, rain and salt water on my feet. Oh the absolute joy and beauty of it. Of course during my little fantasy reality had to interfere by reminding me that I needed a light rain jacket on to protect my neck from the rain. I am sugar and spice after all. I could actually smell the salt air and the wet sand and hear the waves coming in off the ocean. Shoot for a few moments I forgot I was wearing shoes with heels on them. I felt the breeze blowing off of the ocean into my face as I turned to face it head on. I want you to take me there screams my soul silently - it's not too late.

Maybe Sunday I will take myself on a little trip in hopes of finding that almost vacant beach, the sun will be shining, it won't have the same effect of a beach on a rainy day but...it will be what I have needed all year.

I ended up thankful for that blasted errand.

Fall

2007-09-24T09:45:00.000-04:00

If I could only bottle up fall and keep it close all year. Fall just wakes up all the senses. The smells which end up in the back of my throat almost tasting the fabulousness occurring before me, sights, feeling the leaves beneath my feet or as I scuff my feet through a pile as I walk, and hearing the leaves rustle with the wind, watching them falling to the ground. Listening to the river as it flows its natural course.

Walking I encountered someone who was in the same place I was. It was a spirit filled place and energy was teeming. I felt this person before I looked up from the place I was and a smile gradually found it's way across my face. A smile acknowledging the presence of something greater than all of us working between us. She was smiling the same smile I had found because she felt the interconnectedness as well.

I found what my soul needed in those few moments. I am carrying that wonderful energy with me even today and feel so refreshed and content for finding it still.

Basketball

2007-09-19T14:23:00.000-04:00

The world is right, Phoenix beat Detroit for the WNBA championship this year. Swin Cash should leave the Detroit organization for an organization that will appreciate her.
Tonight Team USA plays Team Australia, yes I will be there, late for good reason :-) (yeah, I might be smitten - cautious but still smitten) but there. I'm hoping Team Aussie will wear their silly but showing Unitard they have worn in the past. Woof!!!
It is going to be interesting to see players froom all over the WNBA playing together rather than against one another. Especially Katie & Diana after the road to the championship. I wonder if Little Lambier will still be sporting the shiner courtesy of the Divine Miss D.
Bird, Taurasi, Agustus (I still wonder if she was the whole Pokey thing), Beard (hothothot), Cash, Ford, Douglas and the list goes on....all under one roof, tonight, here in the land of womens basketball, CT!!! Oooo, I got goosebumps just thinking about it. I'll letcha know how it went.

I'm Going to be Alright

2007-09-18T13:30:00.000-04:00

I tell ya, I have no idea what has gotten into me lately (okay the last 3 weeks or more) but it is gradually lifting. I am feeling much better than I have in my last blogs. God I hate being in a funk like that and thanks to a very good friend for just listening to me (even when she should have just reached through cyberspace and smacked me upside the head) and imparting some objective insights on me. I am a good person and I just need to let the world see the real me even if it scares the bejeepers out of me. I am funny (and not just looking - haahaa), I am smart and she says I am cute (I am still having a hard time buying that one but okay I trust you). I am also on a journey and need to open myself to new friendships with individuals who are seeking as I am. Being in this place is frighteningly lonely and it has been this feeling of loneliness that has just been so overwhelming.

So here I am, feeling that something good is right around the corner. I am attempting to embrace the idea of goodness in my life because so far what I have been doing has not worked.

Situations in my life are just that, they do not define me, I am not the cause for or responsible for some of those that have absolutely managed to knock me on my tail lately. These situations are not a reflection of me, how I handle them is and I am making a choice to accept that which I cannot change. I am taking a leap of something (others call it faith, I don't believe in faith or the idea of faith at least not right now). Wish me luck!!! My good friend has given me a quote we have all heard probably a million times - "Leap and the net will appear." Well...here goes...........

Okay Not Feeling as Sorry for Myself Today

2007-09-07T10:23:00.000-04:00

How about this color? My absolutely fav. Sorry about my self pitying blog yesterday. Today is a new day. Still kinda well still blahhhghh but what can I do. I can choose to have a good day. See when I allow myself time alone this is what happens. No more I say dernit (ya right - until next time).

I have been told I get in my own way or I just can't seem to get out of my own way. I am my own worst enemy and need to get out and stay out of my head. It is when in my head that things become enunciated and pointed. Good Lord, one would think knowing this about myself I would not continue to slip down the icy canals of my thoughts.

So tell me, how does one who is always considered the funny girl find herself taken seriously? I guess this is something I need to figure out. Hmmm. Tapping my fingers on my chin while thinking here (in between typing of course). Sry that was me being my naturally funny or is it sarcastic maybe cynical self.

Labor Day 2007

2007-09-05T11:36:00.000-04:00

It was nice to get out today and just kayak alone. Time for me to be with me and my thoughts. No one to distract me from the quality time with myself. A time to run away from responsibility even if for just a few moments. It is sometimes scary for me to be alone, forcing myself to be with my thoughts and reflections. I wonder...well let's just say I wonder a lot of things.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there were not too many boaters on the lake so I was not fighting too many wakes out there. I saw witness to fall being right around the corner and thought to myself, "This would be a wonderful fall trip on the kayak when the leaves all begin to turn." I would love to do a "midnight" tour of the lake, I wonder if I can get anyone to do that with me next month right around the full moon. I know it will be chilly, but.....

It is great when you get out there and begin paddling because everyone you meet (or almost everyone) is out there because they enjoy it. They are quick with a smile and a hello, nice day. Make me wonder (here I go again with that wondering mind of mine) if the goodness in humanity is actually not dismissed forever as I am sometimes inclined to think. I can be so cynical sometimes, I think it is because I am a native here in CT (as I have been told by a temporary transplant it is the F*@$ you me first state).

I got home, unloaded my boat, packed up my gear and crashed by 8:30 (very unusual for me, the one who hates to sleep even though I know I need it (god do I need sleep otherwise look out), because I am afraid I might miss something that I would not otherwise get an opportunity to witness.

Morsels & Tidbits

2007-07-25T10:04:00.000-04:00

So after the Suns game we went to Jordans per usual A.S. hoping to catch a glimpse of none other than the fabulous Sue Bird. She put our name in for the hour or so wait and headed over to Geno's for a beer. Along comes Anne Donovan!!! How awesome is that?!?! I said hi and A.S. and I proceeded to have a conversation with her about the game that night, the WNBA in general. A.S. always has tidbits stored away in her melon that she can pull out when needed. I am so jealous of her ability to absorb littel morsels here and there and has that in her pocket when needed. Well, not really jealous, it is quite interesting to watch.

Last night we lost a well fought game to Detroit of all teams and "Little Lambier" shows up at Jordan's errrrs. Yes she is a very good player, but she is his mentee. Enough of that rant.