A New Year

"but i fear i have nothing to give i have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in your embrace there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear i have nothing to give"

Sara McLachlan ~ Fear

This leads me to the New Year. I am the one who usually says: "No, I am not or have not made any resolutions." Going into 2008, I have made a resolution. I am letting go of a fear that resides deep inside of me. This is a giant leap of faith, for me that speaks volumes since I do not prescribe to faith.

Trust is something I lost a very long time ago. I have begun to realize that at some point I need to allow myself to trust, so why not begin the day after my 20/20 year. Let me begin with trusting myself, trusting and allowing my feelings freely.

I allow a sly little smile to creep up one side of my mouth thinking, I should put a yeah right at the end of the paragraph before this.

Yeah right, I don't want to anymore, she says smiling to herself knowing that she will occasionally slip on this point, but convinced that this is the right direction and she will succeed.

Smudge

Look at her fingers - she's gonna be a rockstar.

So tonight I am reminded why I do not want kids of my own especially now that mine are 18 & 19. Poor Smudgie just could not "settle down." She kept spitting out her binky and scream - man that girl has some lungs on her. I tell ya, patience is not my best quality and I had to practice it tonight and the girl child was only gone about 1/2 hour. It is difficult to try to figure out what's the conflict in your world little eggplant. I finally got the plug in her mouth and she kept it there, I put her in her stroller which is now a fixture in my dining room and pushed it back and forth - she fell asleep just in time for her mother to get home. That is my luck - someone find me a binky and soak it in Patron.

LOOK OUT!!!

I'm in a mood and I have a bottle of wine, it's Friday night, I am home alone well not so much - the girl child has a man friend over so I am holed up in my bedroom with this laptop, my bottle of wine and sappy/sad movies. I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do. Not a bad whine for not even having a sip of my wine yet.

Nothing but words

breathing crisp autum air longing solitude serenity floating swirling running hiding inhale exhale memories ripple across lives remember let go reflect receive move forward rain washing cleansing chasing fear

Tag - Did I do this right?

This is my first tag here in Blogosphere - tag u r it to anyone who is interested. This is a little long so feel free to edit and answer as you like.

Two names you go by (besides your given name):
1. Cristina
2. Sweetie (shhh don't tell anyone - I'm supposed to be a tough chick)

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Socks
2. Shoes

Two longest car rides:
1. Drive to North Cakalaka (NC)
2. Drive to Florida - remind me not to do that again <---Ditto CJ

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Float in my kayak w/a water bottle of wine
2. Walk in the woods

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. I can't say the first (if I tell I'm afraid it won't come true)
2. A martini (I have not had one since 11/4)

Three animals you have or have had:
1. Horse
2. Rabbits
3. Chickens

Three people who will (hopefully) fill this out:
1.
2.
3.

Three Things you ate today:
1. Toast
2. BLT
3. Nada

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Interview at a bar - so I can be the philosophizing bartender I was meant to be
2. Work

Two favorite holidays:
1. Don't have 1 (I know I am a bagh humbugh)
2. Don't have 2 (Really I am - I don't even want to put up an xmas tree - gimmee a reason)

Two favorite beverages:
1. Sam Adams (Seasonal most of the time)
2. Martini (Buddha's Little Helper @ Tisane)

Tag! You're it! Your turn!

Reflections

This day was one of those days that I was able to just lose myself in the beauty in this world. This picture was taken with my cell phone. Imagine my surprise when I looked at this picture and saw the reflection of the cloudless day on the Farmington River.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

It is raining here today. I had an errand to run over lunch, which I originally left on begrudgingly.

On my way back to the office I walked by a pile of sand on the church lawn (let me just say Blue Back Square) and with the rain hitting the pavement I was suddenly swirling in my own mind or maybe it is that I wish I had a chance to get to an unadulterated ocean beach this year. My senses told me I was there. For October, it is still warm enough to take my shoes and socks off and enjoy the feel of the sand, rain and salt water on my feet. Oh the absolute joy and beauty of it. Of course during my little fantasy reality had to interfere by reminding me that I needed a light rain jacket on to protect my neck from the rain. I am sugar and spice after all. I could actually smell the salt air and the wet sand and hear the waves coming in off the ocean. Shoot for a few moments I forgot I was wearing shoes with heels on them. I felt the breeze blowing off of the ocean into my face as I turned to face it head on. I want you to take me there screams my soul silently - it's not too late.

Maybe Sunday I will take myself on a little trip in hopes of finding that almost vacant beach, the sun will be shining, it won't have the same effect of a beach on a rainy day but...it will be what I have needed all year.

I ended up thankful for that blasted errand.