What's Going on?!

i have not blogged in a bit and i apologize. it is that time of year again when i struggle with myself about what i want to do ~ tax accounting surely is not my calling, but it pays the bills. i also for some reason decided to take additional classes even though i met all my graduation requirements in december of 2007. with work and school (and the girl child w/baby) keeping me busy one would think cristina is a dull girl, uh not.

i have recently discovered that insomnia can be a beautiful thing. there is this whole world out there for me to play in and dernnit, i intend to play as hard as i work ~ maybe ~ probably even harder. i have been on a self imposed isolation for almost 2 years now with the exception of being with my friends and have made it my intention to break out of this isolation in 2008. look out!!!

i have been watching the farmington river rise lately with all this rain we've been getting and wishing i had a wet suit or it were summer, kayaking on it would be great on it right now. especially tonight with the lunar eclipse ~ pout pout ~ sniff~ sniff.

SHAMELESS Music Plug

http://www.hannahsgroove.com/

Gypsy Girl
One Spirit Body Mind

www.cdbaby.com (listen & buy her music here)

Don't step on my shadow's heart, it might break.

Random observations

Recognized and acknowledging a familiar yet unknown face.

She signs, No!, and like a willful child her passenger climbs out of the car intent on being the hero tries to get the car out of the snow bank with no success. Sits back in the car and dials her cell phone.

Penciled eyebrows and embroidered jeans thinning hair pulled back, not to harsh, mid 50ish, skin just beginning to show signs of her youth escaping her watching curiously another passenger.

He gets on the bus every morning clutching to his chest a backpack. He holds it so tight as if it contains all of his most valuable worldly possessions. Slides his bus pass and walks to the back of the bus - always the back. I wonder does he observe as I do. We exit at the same stop, he follows me - my steps brisk taking me to my destination, work. He stands in the lower lobby of the building in the opposite corner the farthest from where we enter the building. There is a heater there and he still clutches his bag. I wonder what he holds so close. What earthly possession can one hold onto with such care and protection? If it were me, it would be words. Words you say and ask yourself as you read this blog? I fear they would escape me and be found, judged or ridiculed and worse that all the the aforementioned , Lost. This is why I take on this scary task of sharing my words with whoever chooses to read. My words may seem meaningless but are important as the observations I am consciously taking. What a beautiful journey - what am I creating? I cannot wait to see so I can share it with you.

She speaks and has a casual yet rapt audience. The young girl with dulled blue eyes watches the dialogue among the three without hearing or maybe she does. There is music or story in her ears. I notice her hands, she has a writers callous on the first knuckle of her middle finger is she a student? I also notice that her hands are not what you would expect when you look at her. Her fingers are narrow, almost delicate but not.

Again, to be continued.....(I wonder if anyone realizes that I am just a casual observer of this thing called life and how suddenly I rummage for my pad and pen or just flipping my phone open and appear to be texting when I am actually typing what I see).

Longing for my favorite season - unedited

Moon~waves of clouds floating, amber circles the white light. The taste of autumn , senses awakened. The breeze in my face, the rustling of the leaves, the brilliant explosion of color against the sky of the rising moon splashed across the horizon, finger paints texture feel the leaves crumple under my touch taste their smell. Watch touch taste their smell. The color fades and flies only for a season and a sea of green and yellow will be reborn but for now my favorite time is here in my mind. It swims in this season of sensual overload. The breeze causes the leaves to dance a little louder than any other season; it causes the scent of the tilled earth to float through the air - remnant's of the harvest returned to the earth to where it all sprang from. I smile at the beauty of it all, how memory serves my desires. I can still feel the colors: yellow, still soft and with life, red to orange, a little more course but fragrant until they lose their life and crumble returning again. It is warm, the sky is awash with stars reflecting like moonlight in an ocean gently pushed by the autumn breeze. Can you feel this too? Can you see it? Do you look up at the sky and wonder in the amazement of a child even though your childhood is well behind you. What if you could reach up and touch those stars, gently stirring and watch them whirl like the clouds float though the day unguided. Innocence, purity, unedited, unscripted, free flowing. What do you see, where does your imagination take you, what do you feel. Whole, alive, refreshed, truth if truth can be felt - beautiful.

A New Year

"but i fear i have nothing to give i have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in your embrace there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear i have nothing to give"

Sara McLachlan ~ Fear

This leads me to the New Year. I am the one who usually says: "No, I am not or have not made any resolutions." Going into 2008, I have made a resolution. I am letting go of a fear that resides deep inside of me. This is a giant leap of faith, for me that speaks volumes since I do not prescribe to faith.

Trust is something I lost a very long time ago. I have begun to realize that at some point I need to allow myself to trust, so why not begin the day after my 20/20 year. Let me begin with trusting myself, trusting and allowing my feelings freely.

I allow a sly little smile to creep up one side of my mouth thinking, I should put a yeah right at the end of the paragraph before this.

Yeah right, I don't want to anymore, she says smiling to herself knowing that she will occasionally slip on this point, but convinced that this is the right direction and she will succeed.

Smudge

Look at her fingers - she's gonna be a rockstar.

So tonight I am reminded why I do not want kids of my own especially now that mine are 18 & 19. Poor Smudgie just could not "settle down." She kept spitting out her binky and scream - man that girl has some lungs on her. I tell ya, patience is not my best quality and I had to practice it tonight and the girl child was only gone about 1/2 hour. It is difficult to try to figure out what's the conflict in your world little eggplant. I finally got the plug in her mouth and she kept it there, I put her in her stroller which is now a fixture in my dining room and pushed it back and forth - she fell asleep just in time for her mother to get home. That is my luck - someone find me a binky and soak it in Patron.