A New Year

"but i fear i have nothing to give i have so much to lose here in this lonely place tangled up in your embrace there's nothing i'd like better than to fall but i fear i have nothing to give"

Sara McLachlan ~ Fear

This leads me to the New Year. I am the one who usually says: "No, I am not or have not made any resolutions." Going into 2008, I have made a resolution. I am letting go of a fear that resides deep inside of me. This is a giant leap of faith, for me that speaks volumes since I do not prescribe to faith.

Trust is something I lost a very long time ago. I have begun to realize that at some point I need to allow myself to trust, so why not begin the day after my 20/20 year. Let me begin with trusting myself, trusting and allowing my feelings freely.

I allow a sly little smile to creep up one side of my mouth thinking, I should put a yeah right at the end of the paragraph before this.

Yeah right, I don't want to anymore, she says smiling to herself knowing that she will occasionally slip on this point, but convinced that this is the right direction and she will succeed.

Smudge

Look at her fingers - she's gonna be a rockstar.

So tonight I am reminded why I do not want kids of my own especially now that mine are 18 & 19. Poor Smudgie just could not "settle down." She kept spitting out her binky and scream - man that girl has some lungs on her. I tell ya, patience is not my best quality and I had to practice it tonight and the girl child was only gone about 1/2 hour. It is difficult to try to figure out what's the conflict in your world little eggplant. I finally got the plug in her mouth and she kept it there, I put her in her stroller which is now a fixture in my dining room and pushed it back and forth - she fell asleep just in time for her mother to get home. That is my luck - someone find me a binky and soak it in Patron.

LOOK OUT!!!

I'm in a mood and I have a bottle of wine, it's Friday night, I am home alone well not so much - the girl child has a man friend over so I am holed up in my bedroom with this laptop, my bottle of wine and sappy/sad movies. I cannot be held accountable for anything I say or do. Not a bad whine for not even having a sip of my wine yet.

Nothing but words

breathing crisp autum air longing solitude serenity floating swirling running hiding inhale exhale memories ripple across lives remember let go reflect receive move forward rain washing cleansing chasing fear

Tag - Did I do this right?

This is my first tag here in Blogosphere - tag u r it to anyone who is interested. This is a little long so feel free to edit and answer as you like.

Two names you go by (besides your given name):
1. Cristina
2. Sweetie (shhh don't tell anyone - I'm supposed to be a tough chick)

Two things you are wearing right now:
1. Socks
2. Shoes

Two longest car rides:
1. Drive to North Cakalaka (NC)
2. Drive to Florida - remind me not to do that again <---Ditto CJ

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Float in my kayak w/a water bottle of wine
2. Walk in the woods

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. I can't say the first (if I tell I'm afraid it won't come true)
2. A martini (I have not had one since 11/4)

Three animals you have or have had:
1. Horse
2. Rabbits
3. Chickens

Three people who will (hopefully) fill this out:
1.
2.
3.

Three Things you ate today:
1. Toast
2. BLT
3. Nada

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Interview at a bar - so I can be the philosophizing bartender I was meant to be
2. Work

Two favorite holidays:
1. Don't have 1 (I know I am a bagh humbugh)
2. Don't have 2 (Really I am - I don't even want to put up an xmas tree - gimmee a reason)

Two favorite beverages:
1. Sam Adams (Seasonal most of the time)
2. Martini (Buddha's Little Helper @ Tisane)

Tag! You're it! Your turn!

Reflections

This day was one of those days that I was able to just lose myself in the beauty in this world. This picture was taken with my cell phone. Imagine my surprise when I looked at this picture and saw the reflection of the cloudless day on the Farmington River.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

It is raining here today. I had an errand to run over lunch, which I originally left on begrudgingly.

On my way back to the office I walked by a pile of sand on the church lawn (let me just say Blue Back Square) and with the rain hitting the pavement I was suddenly swirling in my own mind or maybe it is that I wish I had a chance to get to an unadulterated ocean beach this year. My senses told me I was there. For October, it is still warm enough to take my shoes and socks off and enjoy the feel of the sand, rain and salt water on my feet. Oh the absolute joy and beauty of it. Of course during my little fantasy reality had to interfere by reminding me that I needed a light rain jacket on to protect my neck from the rain. I am sugar and spice after all. I could actually smell the salt air and the wet sand and hear the waves coming in off the ocean. Shoot for a few moments I forgot I was wearing shoes with heels on them. I felt the breeze blowing off of the ocean into my face as I turned to face it head on. I want you to take me there screams my soul silently - it's not too late.

Maybe Sunday I will take myself on a little trip in hopes of finding that almost vacant beach, the sun will be shining, it won't have the same effect of a beach on a rainy day but...it will be what I have needed all year.

I ended up thankful for that blasted errand.

Fall

If I could only bottle up fall and keep it close all year. Fall just wakes up all the senses. The smells which end up in the back of my throat almost tasting the fabulousness occurring before me, sights, feeling the leaves beneath my feet or as I scuff my feet through a pile as I walk, and hearing the leaves rustle with the wind, watching them falling to the ground. Listening to the river as it flows its natural course.

Walking I encountered someone who was in the same place I was. It was a spirit filled place and energy was teeming. I felt this person before I looked up from the place I was and a smile gradually found it's way across my face. A smile acknowledging the presence of something greater than all of us working between us. She was smiling the same smile I had found because she felt the interconnectedness as well.

I found what my soul needed in those few moments. I am carrying that wonderful energy with me even today and feel so refreshed and content for finding it still.

Basketball

The world is right, Phoenix beat Detroit for the WNBA championship this year. Swin Cash should leave the Detroit organization for an organization that will appreciate her.

Tonight Team USA plays Team Australia, yes I will be there, late for good reason :-) (yeah, I might be smitten - cautious but still smitten) but there. I'm hoping Team Aussie will wear their silly but showing Unitard they have worn in the past. Woof!!!

It is going to be interesting to see players froom all over the WNBA playing together rather than against one another. Especially Katie & Diana after the road to the championship. I wonder if Little Lambier will still be sporting the shiner courtesy of the Divine Miss D.

Bird, Taurasi, Agustus (I still wonder if she was the whole Pokey thing), Beard (hothothot), Cash, Ford, Douglas and the list goes on....all under one roof, tonight, here in the land of womens basketball, CT!!! Oooo, I got goosebumps just thinking about it. I'll letcha know how it went.

I'm Going to be Alright

I tell ya, I have no idea what has gotten into me lately (okay the last 3 weeks or more) but it is gradually lifting. I am feeling much better than I have in my last blogs. God I hate being in a funk like that and thanks to a very good friend for just listening to me (even when she should have just reached through cyberspace and smacked me upside the head) and imparting some objective insights on me. I am a good person and I just need to let the world see the real me even if it scares the bejeepers out of me. I am funny (and not just looking - haahaa), I am smart and she says I am cute (I am still having a hard time buying that one but okay I trust you). I am also on a journey and need to open myself to new friendships with individuals who are seeking as I am. Being in this place is frighteningly lonely and it has been this feeling of loneliness that has just been so overwhelming.

So here I am, feeling that something good is right around the corner. I am attempting to embrace the idea of goodness in my life because so far what I have been doing has not worked.

Situations in my life are just that, they do not define me, I am not the cause for or responsible for some of those that have absolutely managed to knock me on my tail lately. These situations are not a reflection of me, how I handle them is and I am making a choice to accept that which I cannot change. I am taking a leap of something (others call it faith, I don't believe in faith or the idea of faith at least not right now). Wish me luck!!! My good friend has given me a quote we have all heard probably a million times - "Leap and the net will appear." Well...here goes...........

Okay Not Feeling as Sorry for Myself Today

How about this color? My absolutely fav. Sorry about my self pitying blog yesterday. Today is a new day. Still kinda well still blahhhghh but what can I do. I can choose to have a good day. See when I allow myself time alone this is what happens. No more I say dernit (ya right - until next time).

I have been told I get in my own way or I just can't seem to get out of my own way. I am my own worst enemy and need to get out and stay out of my head. It is when in my head that things become enunciated and pointed. Good Lord, one would think knowing this about myself I would not continue to slip down the icy canals of my thoughts.

So tell me, how does one who is always considered the funny girl find herself taken seriously? I guess this is something I need to figure out. Hmmm. Tapping my fingers on my chin while thinking here (in between typing of course). Sry that was me being my naturally funny or is it sarcastic maybe cynical self.

Labor Day 2007

It was nice to get out today and just kayak alone. Time for me to be with me and my thoughts. No one to distract me from the quality time with myself. A time to run away from responsibility even if for just a few moments. It is sometimes scary for me to be alone, forcing myself to be with my thoughts and reflections. I wonder...well let's just say I wonder a lot of things.

It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and there were not too many boaters on the lake so I was not fighting too many wakes out there. I saw witness to fall being right around the corner and thought to myself, "This would be a wonderful fall trip on the kayak when the leaves all begin to turn." I would love to do a "midnight" tour of the lake, I wonder if I can get anyone to do that with me next month right around the full moon. I know it will be chilly, but.....

It is great when you get out there and begin paddling because everyone you meet (or almost everyone) is out there because they enjoy it. They are quick with a smile and a hello, nice day. Make me wonder (here I go again with that wondering mind of mine) if the goodness in humanity is actually not dismissed forever as I am sometimes inclined to think. I can be so cynical sometimes, I think it is because I am a native here in CT (as I have been told by a temporary transplant it is the F*@$ you me first state).

I got home, unloaded my boat, packed up my gear and crashed by 8:30 (very unusual for me, the one who hates to sleep even though I know I need it (god do I need sleep otherwise look out), because I am afraid I might miss something that I would not otherwise get an opportunity to witness.

Morsels & Tidbits

So after the Suns game we went to Jordans per usual A.S. hoping to catch a glimpse of none other than the fabulous Sue Bird. She put our name in for the hour or so wait and headed over to Geno's for a beer. Along comes Anne Donovan!!! How awesome is that?!?! I said hi and A.S. and I proceeded to have a conversation with her about the game that night, the WNBA in general. A.S. always has tidbits stored away in her melon that she can pull out when needed. I am so jealous of her ability to absorb littel morsels here and there and has that in her pocket when needed. Well, not really jealous, it is quite interesting to watch.

Last night we lost a well fought game to Detroit of all teams and "Little Lambier" shows up at Jordan's errrrs. Yes she is a very good player, but she is his mentee. Enough of that rant.